kinda deep...

i feel like i always post the serious stuff. but whatever. yesterday i had a yucky stomach virus/sore throat/headache and was in bed all day so i had lots of time to think. i was thinking about how far ive come in so many areas and one of them being my health. this is kinda a deep topic but i want to go there in case someone else may be dealing with things like this. the thought all started when i was thinking about all the changes that happen to your body during pregnancy. everyone always told me but i assumed they were exaggerating or trying to scare me. but no, things change and it's kinda overwhelming but my goodness, it's so beautiful and miraculous at the same time! my mentality even a year ago would not be able to handle these changes but i have come sar far that i can really embrace what's happening and what will happen. you have to be so much more selfLESS and really think about your baby's needs. Here's the scoop..For a couple of different reasons, I had a TON of pressure on me to be thin...but not just healthy thin, the more skeletal i got, the more i was praised. yeah, it was fun to be able to wear anything i wanted and get complimented on how "good" i looked but inside i felt sooo miserable and weak and STARVING. i weighed about 95 pounds and it was very difficult to find clothes that fit. i rarely exceeded 300 calories a day (my food was measured) and i would go to bed extremely early and just lay there so still b/c i was trying not to use up any energy b/c i knew it was limited. sometimes my lips would be so numb and i would get shaky but i could NOT eat anymore than i was allowed. again, i did like the way i felt trying on clothes etc. but inside, i felt so helpless. i didn't exersize very much b/c i was afraid i would burn too many calories and i knew my body would begin to shut down. well, about june, enough was enough. slowly but surely i began to eat a little bit more. i'd maybe put soy cheese on my veggies, or eat a whole cup of chickpeas insead of half or maybe even eat a bell pepper for lunch when before i'd eat nothing. little by little i felt stronger and i felt like i was looking better also. i was still in one negative situation and i was looked down on b/c i was beginning to fill out but i was feeling SO much better and stronger, i had to look past it. fast forward to when i discovered i was pregnant and was constantly hungry and sick. i'd have to eat crackers throughout the day b/c it's all i could keep down and crackers were a BIG nono before. then i started craving fish and chicken!! i don't think it was a moment when i got better but being with william, health is such a part of our lives and being healthy ourselves is so encouraged. i lost my fear of food and what it could do to me. i believe just like always that we are responsible for our bodies and that what you feed it determines how it will in turn react, but eating an apple is no longer a nightmare. it is soooo freeing and so liberating to no longer be held captive by food. it was like a backwards food obsession...instead of being obsessed with eating, i was obsessed with NOT. Now, i listen to my body...and my baby. i can't go all day without eating anymore...i can't even imagine! ha! i'm probably never going to be the size i used to me...i hope i'm not...and that's okay! because i have a healthy heart and i'm strong and i have energy! i am so thankful for where i've gotten on this "journey" and so thankful to w who never judges me, but encourages me and loves me no matter what! i HOPE no one else is dealing with this, but if you are, know there is hope and there's sooo much more than being skinny. be healthy!!
xoxo